Summer, simchas, and the reality of caring for aging parents across the miles
- Jun 12
- 6 min read
Updated: Jun 23
By Sharon Beth-Halachmy, Founder and CEO at B'Lev Shalem
There is a version of family caregiving that looks like the old stories.
Everyone lives nearby. The children take turns caring for aging parents. Grandchildren stop by after school. Shabbat dinners together. If someone needs help, there is always a family member a few streets away.
While that version of family life still exists, it is not the reality for many of the families we work with.
Their reality looks more like this: one sibling in Jerusalem, one in New York, one in London. Parents in their eighties in Ra'anana. A foreign caregiver who may or may not speak English. A kupat cholim portal that requires a one-time password sent to a phone that only the parent can access. And a family that loves each other deeply, is doing the best it can, and still feels as though there are never enough hands to manage everything - that they are dropping balls they didn't even know they were holding.
Summer brings all of this into sharper focus.
It is wedding season. Graduation season. The season of vacations, family visits and long-awaited reunions. The season when families spread across continents find themselves sitting around the same table.
It is a wonderful time of year. A time of joy, connection, and celebration. But it also has a way of revealing what has been simmering beneath the surface all year long: exhaustion, guilt, unequal caregiving burdens, and the quiet resentments that can develop even in the most loving families.
Because while everyone is coming together to celebrate, aging parents continue to age. Care needs do not pause for summer. And the practical realities of caregiving have a way of showing up right alongside the simchas.
The myth of the small world
For many years, families living abroad operated on a comforting assumption: if something happened, they could always get on a plane.
Distance did not feel quite so distant.
Then came COVID. And then war. Flights were cancelled. Plans changed overnight. Families suddenly realized that proximity is not something you can improvise during a crisis.
Many adult children who had spent years managing their parents’ care from abroad found themselves confronting an uncomfortable reality: loving someone from thousands of miles away is possible. Caring for them from thousands of miles away is much harder.
And yet life continues.
Parents continue to age. Needs continue to grow. And summer, with all of its visits, celebrations, and opportunities for connection, continues to arrive.
What summer looks like for a dispersed family
Every summer we hear variations of the same stories.
There is the adult child flying in from abroad who has two weeks off and genuinely does not know how to balance tackling the long list of tasks with simply spending time together (spoiler alert: the task list usually wins).
There is the sibling who lives here, the one who has been carrying much of the responsibility throughout the year. They are grateful for the opportunity of back-up and relief, but also prickly about fielding the opinions of someone who is ordinarily not hands-on, and maybe resentful that they themselves cannot hand things over for a few weeks for their own vacation.
There is the parent who has spent months focused on medical needs or adapting to new limitations, and who would really prefer a family dinner or a trip to the sea over another discussion about appointments or medication or caregivers.
And then there are the simchas.
The family celebrations that bring tremendous joy - but also no shortage of logistical challenges.
Who is making sure Savta is comfortable in the summer heat?
Who will help Saba navigate the venue safely?
How does the family support one grandparent who wants to dance all night while the other tires after an hour?
These dynamics exist all year long. Summer simply makes them impossible to ignore.
And for families spread across countries, the challenge is not only emotional. It is logistical. Caring for an aging parent in Israel often means navigating a system that is both remarkably supportive and impossibly complex.
Why caring for aging parents in Israel is more complicated than people expect
The system of support for older adults in Israel often surprises families. In many ways, it is extraordinary. But it also asks an extraordinary amount of family caregivers.
As a country geared to enabling aging in place, Israel offers resources that are unheard of in many countries. We have a highly subsidized system of live-in care provided by compassionate and skilled foreign workers. A developed system of in-home medical care, including routine medical services, home hospital services, home rehabilitation and home hospice.
The problem is that the task of putting it all together falls squarely - and unapologetically - on the shoulders of family caregivers. Adult children - those in the sandwich generation balancing their own families and careers - find themselves navigating bureaucracy via digital portals with verification codes that will be sent only to an Israeli phone number.
Families with live-in caregivers quite suddenly find themselves employers, with all the responsibilities and obligations that come therewith: understanding work permits, minimum wage and social benefits, coordinating relief coverage. Managing hurt feelings or disputes between their parent and their caregiver. Managing their caregiver’s crises - be it a health issue or a death in the family. It is no small thing, and few people truly know what they are walking into until they are already in it.
When everyone is in the same country, these are inconveniences - sometimes significant.
When family is spread out across continents - they can be major obstacles.
Technology helps. Zoom helps. WhatsApp helps.
But there are moments when someone simply needs to be physically present. Someone needs to accompany a parent to an appointment, spend time with a caregiver, help set up an app to order a taxi, or just sit at the table and sort through a stack of papers.
Distance does not diminish love. But it does add complexity
The opportunity hidden in summer
The good news is that summer offers something many families do not have for the rest of the year: time together.
When the whole family is together, even briefly, there is an opportunity to tackle things that are almost impossible to coordinate from different countries. Use your visit to be proactive.
Sort out the portals. All of Israel's major systems, kupat cholim, Bituach Leumi, government services, banking, now operate through online portals. Make sure you have them set up and have a system in place so that the right person can access them when needed.
Get clear on medications. Know what your parent is taking, why, and who is responsible for filling prescriptions. Consider when the last time a doctor reviewed the full list of medication. Make sure that your parent’s kuppat cholim file reflects what they are actually taking and that there is a current list available on demand.
Know where the documents are. Powers of attorney, advance directives, insurance information, bank account information and other critical information should be organized and accessible.
Talk openly about the future. Conversations about caregiving, cognitive decline, end-of-life or burial wishes are rarely easy, but it also affords the opportunity to think things through together and to be heard, ultimately avoiding strain and conflict - and it is so much better to do it when everyone is together in the same place.
Give relief to whoever is carrying the load. The sibling who lives nearby often becomes the default coordinator, chauffeur, advocate and problem solver. Summer is the chance to share that burden - even temporarily.
And then go with your parent to the sea.
In the midst of the logistics, the portals, the conversations and the coordination, don’t miss the opportunity to just spend time together.
Spend time together.
Take your mother to the sea.
Take your father out for coffee.
Gather the grandchildren.
Look through photographs.
Listen to stories.
For many families, caregiving slowly transforms the relationship between parent and child. The child becomes the organizer, the advocate, the coordinator, even the decision-maker. In the process, it is easy to forget that before all of that, you were simply family.
Summer is a reminder that caregiving is not only about appointments, medications, caregivers and logistics. It is about preserving connection. It is about creating moments of joy in the midst of complexity. It is about remembering that behind every care plan, every doctor’s appointment and every difficult conversation is a parent who still wants what all of us want: meaningful time with the people they love.
And that, in the end, is what all of this is for.
B'Lev Shalem provides comprehensive care management for aging adults in Israel, bringing peace of mind to their families around the world. Whether you are coordinating care from abroad, supporting a parent locally, or navigating the complexities of the Israeli system, we are your partners in making it work.
