Hiring a Foreign Caregiver in Israel, Part 2: Making the Relationship Work
By Sharon Beth-Halachmy, Founder and CEO at B'Lev Shalem
After a long and difficult search, you've finally hired a foreign caregiver for your mother. But just a few weeks after she moves in, your mother has a long list of complaints. She talks too much. She's always there. Your mother doesn't like the smells of her cooking.
Maybe the caregiver really is overstepping. Or maybe your mother, who never wanted a caregiver in the first place, is looking for reasons to send her away. From where you're standing, often a long way from your mother's kitchen, it can be very hard to tell which.
In Part 1 of this series, we covered the practical side of hiring a foreign caregiver: the search, the interview, your obligations as an employer and what it all costs.
Those details matter. But a caregiver is not only an employee. She is a person who will live with someone you love, in their home, every day. The paperwork can be learned. The relationship has to be built by everyone involved, and it doesn't take care of itself.
Recognizing the Challenges of Hiring a Foreign Caregiver in Israel
When your parent doesn't want a caregiver
Few older adults welcome the idea of someone new living in their home. For many, a caregiver means losing privacy, routine and a sense of independence. It can feel like an announcement that they are no longer capable.
Resistance can take many forms. Sometimes it's an outright refusal to accept help. Other times, it comes out as a steady stream of complaints about the caregiver: how much she talks, how she does things, or simply the fact that she's always there.
Regardless of how much help your parent needs, their preferences and wishes should remain central to decisions about their care.
The impact on the household and family
Bringing a live-in caregiver into the home is a major adjustment, not only for the person receiving care, but for the entire family.
Daily routines change. Meals, use of shared spaces and even the television may become matters that need to be discussed rather than simply taken for granted.
When the person needing care is part of a couple, the change also has a significant impact on their partner, who now has to share their kitchen, their evenings and their privacy with someone new. For adult children, it means you'll rarely visit your mother alone again. The quiet coffee, the private conversation, the way the apartment has always felt: all of that shifts.
None of this means it's the wrong decision. Often it's what makes it possible for a parent to stay at home. But these changes are real, and everyone in the family needs time to adjust.
The caregiver's perspective
Now consider the situation from the foreign caregiver's point of view. Caring for your parent is her job, but unlike most employees, she doesn't go home at the end of the day. She lives in her workplace, adapting to your parent's routines, preferences and way of life, while trying to maintain a personal life of her own.
She may come from a different culture, speak a different first language, and have her own food preferences and religious practices. She may be thousands of kilometers away from her family, with children she sees only on a screen.
If your parent doesn't want a caregiver, she may find herself working in a home where she doesn't feel welcome. Imagine caring for someone who tells you every day that she doesn't like you or doesn't want you there. Even an experienced caregiver can find that discouraging.
Caregiving can be physically and emotionally demanding, particularly when an older adult has cognitive decline, behavioral changes or complex care needs. The caregiver may spend long days with your parent, sometimes with little interaction with anyone else.
Making the Relationship Work
Recognizing these challenges is important, but what families do about them is what ultimately determines whether the arrangement works. Clear expectations, open communication and a willingness to address problems early can make a significant difference.
Start with clear expectations and open communication
When two people share a home, small misunderstandings can become big ones. A caregiver and an older adult often have different ideas about food, privacy, communication and how a day should run.
The families who handle this well talk about daily life early and keep talking about it. A few topics to raise at the start:
Language. How will your parent and the caregiver communicate, especially when something is urgent?
Responsibilities and boundaries. What exactly is the caregiver expected to do? Are there household tasks that fall outside her caregiving responsibilities? Make sure everyone has the same understanding from the start.
Food and cooking. Will she cook her own food in the kitchen? Are there smells, ingredients or kashrut rules that matter to your parent? How will meals and kitchen arrangements work?
Her room and her time. She needs a private space and real rest. What does that look like in this home?
Phone use. Her phone may be her main connection to her children and family abroad. How can she maintain that connection while making sure phone use doesn't interfere with the care your parent needs?
Religious and cultural differences. Are there household customs, religious practices or holidays that either person needs the other to understand and respect?
The rest day. How will the family arrange replacement care so that the caregiver can take her full weekly rest without being expected to remain available?
This is your parent's home, and their preferences, routines and sense of independence should be respected as much as possible. At the same time, the caregiver lives there too, and needs privacy, time off and room for her own routines. Making the arrangement work means finding a balance that respects both.
Think about how to preserve some private family time. Perhaps the couple can still enjoy a quiet meal together, or you can have a conversation with your mother without the caregiver in the room. A caregiver doesn't need to be involved in every moment of family life, and part of settling into the household is learning when to step back.
There are no universal right answers here. What matters is that expectations are clear, reasonable and revisited as things change.
Address problems before they escalate
When your parent complains about the caregiver, start by listening and taking the concerns seriously. But don't assume you have the full picture. Speak to your parent and the caregiver separately, and listen to both accounts before drawing conclusions.
Is the caregiver doing something inappropriate? Is there a misunderstanding that can be resolved? Or is "she talks too much" really "I don't want to need help"?
These situations call for different responses. A legitimate concern about the caregiver's behavior needs to be addressed directly. Resistance to accepting help requires patience, understanding and often a different approach.
At the same time, don't leave the caregiver to manage your parent's resistance on her own. Talk to her about what's happening and explain that the complaints may have more to do with your parent's difficulty accepting help than with anything she's doing wrong. Even experienced caregivers can benefit from knowing that the family understands the situation and supports them.
It's also important to consider whether changes in your parent's behavior may have a medical cause. A new pattern of anger, confusion or refusal may warrant medical assessment rather than simply being treated as a problem between your parent and the caregiver.
And recognize when a problem is more than an adjustment difficulty. Disagreements about household routines or communication can often be resolved through conversation and compromise. But concerns about neglect, unsafe care, abusive behavior or serious boundary violations require prompt attention. They shouldn't be dismissed as part of the normal settling-in process.
Sometimes, despite everyone's best efforts, it really isn't the right fit. Recognizing that early is better for everyone.
Support the caregiver, too
A good working relationship also depends on how the caregiver is treated and supported. Families need to make sure she has the conditions, communication and support she needs to do her job well.
In practice, that means:
Respect for her time off. Make sure she receives her weekly rest and vacation, and respect her personal time and religious holidays.
A family member or care manager she can call. She needs to know who to turn to when something isn't working, and that she'll be heard.
A sense that her work is noticed. A thank-you, an acknowledgment of a difficult week, and an opportunity to share her observations about your parent's daily care can make a real difference.
Regular check-ins. Don't wait for a crisis. Ask both your parent and the caregiver how things are going, what's working and what needs to change.
And remember that the arrangement will need to evolve. As your parent's needs change, the caregiver's responsibilities, the support she receives and the family's expectations may need to change as well.
The goal isn't to keep a placement going at any cost. It's to create an arrangement in which your parent receives appropriate care and the caregiver can do her job safely and with dignity.
Why it helps to have someone else involved
Even with the best intentions, disagreements between an older adult and a caregiver can be difficult to resolve, particularly when family members live far away. Having someone who knows both the older adult and the caregiver, understands the situation and can step in when needed can make a significant difference.
That person's role is to hear both sides. When your mother says the caregiver is rude, or the caregiver says she hasn't slept in a week, someone needs to listen, find out what's really happening and help everyone reach a workable solution.
Both sides have needs, and both sides have responsibilities. A caregiver is responsible for providing safe, attentive care. A family is responsible for being a fair and respectful employer. When frustrations build, it's easy for each side to start blaming the other.
Someone a step removed can help keep the focus on what everyone shares: your parent's well-being.
Some families manage all of this on their own. But when you can't be there, or the relationship isn't settling, a care manager can provide that outside perspective and ongoing support.
At B'Lev Shalem, our care managers work closely with families throughout the process, supported by our wider team. We help define what kind of care is really needed, participate in interviews, support both the older adult and the caregiver once she arrives, and help resolve difficulties as they arise.
Hiring the right caregiver is important. But even the best match needs time, communication and ongoing attention. The goal isn't simply to keep a caregiver in place.
It's to create a relationship in which your parent feels comfortable and respected, the caregiver feels supported, and the care your parent needs can continue over time.
Missed Part 1 of this guide? Read about the practical side of hiring a foreign caregiver here.
